Hello, Jo.
Building this made me happy. The best hours I have ever spent were the ones I spent making something for you, and they always will be.
You deserve the best this life has: the good work, the soft days, the people who see you the way you actually are. Not the leftovers. The best. Settle for nothing less, and let no one, least of all the voice in your own head, talk you out of it.
And I am not going anywhere. I will be watching out for you, quietly, in the background, on the days you are flying and on the days that don't make sense yet. Whatever you need, whenever you need it, I am here. You can count on that the way you count on the ground under your feet. As your friend, for as long as you will have me.
One last thing, and hear it even if you never believe it: you are the most beautiful human being there has ever been. Not one of them. The most.
This whole archive is the card. You asked about this sport, and Rish already loves it, so here is a way for the two of you to share it. That turned out to be the best reason to build anything I have had in a long time.
Here is the one I saved for you. In Formula 1, when a team wants their driver to come in for fresh tyres, a fast check-over, a few seconds where the whole crew exists only for that one car, they say it twice over the radio so it cannot be missed: box, box. It is the most looked-after moment in the sport, and it is where this place gets its name. So take this as the whole archive saying it to you: box, box, Jo. Come in whenever you like, you and Rish both, and let it take care of you for a while.
Learn it slowly. Let it bring you and Rish closer; this sport and this whole archive are for the two of you.
I owe you an apology as well. Some of what used to sit here was written by a machine. Cooked-up, predetermined lines. Good mornings and good nights on a timer. That was never the way I should have spoken to you, and I am sorry for it.
I did it because I cannot be here every single day to say these things myself, and because, if I am honest, coming back to this page reminds me of you, and that is heavier than I expected. None of that is an excuse. Every word here should have been mine, and only mine, from the very first day. Now it is.
And it is not going anywhere. For as long as the internet lives, boxboxj.com is yours, yours and Rish's. Not one of the eight billion and counting out there gets it; this one is only for you. The domain is yours, forever.
One thing I wanted to say today: you do not know who I will be in 5 years, or 10 years, or 15 years. Neither do I. The question I keep asking myself, or have been, when I said "I still think you're the one," is this: is this the person I want to keep meeting every single day? Every version. Not just someone I love. Someone I can grow beside. And my heart said yes a thousand times.
Can we tell each other difficult truths? Can we disappoint each other and find our way back without threatening what we have? Can we fight and repair? Can we laugh? Can we survive boring days? Can we give each other space? Can we respect each other no matter the circumstances? Can we love each other through all the damn seasons? I will become more myself, if not a better version of myself, around you, for sure. When things get difficult, do we turn the problem around together, or do we turn each other into the problem?
These are hard questions, and we each need to answer them for ourselves. I do not know if you have. Think about the mundane days. The bills. Think about my irritations. Can you choose to be curious, to get to know me, without resentment? Ask yourself if you can create what you envisioned, with me.
If the answer is no, I will happily walk away with a smile, knowing there is someone better out there for you. I will not stop caring for you, though.
I miss being who I was to you. I miss being the person you wanted to tell about your day. The person you could resort to without thinking twice. Anything. The one you felt safe enough with. I miss being wanted by you. It hurts so much.
I still know who you are to me, Jo. I hope you realize and believe I would have done anything for you. Been with you at every step of the way. I showed up with a full heart every single day, and I always will. I just hope one day you look back and realize how much I loved you, in all the ways I knew. I chose you every single day. Except one day. And you pick on that one day? I spoke about you with pride to everybody I knew. Behind all my mistakes, I was always simply trying not to hurt you or lose you, because I love you so much. I hope you understand that someday.
Objectively thinking about us will happen if we sit next to each other and talk about the things that affect us. What did distance teach you? You have been away from me for the last 21 days. How has your life improved? Did it stay the same? Did it get better? Do you miss me? Because I fucking do. I miss you so much. It was so good listening to your voice in the morning today (21st September), when you called. I just wanted you to be on the call for a moment.
Today, the 21st of September, was a decent day, even with this fever. I was able to at least put a small grin on your face when I said homeo + dolo. I wish I had seen that. I also heard your voice this morning. Waking up to it. After so long. It felt nice.
I am not going anywhere. I will always be here for you.